Why I’m working on myself in 2022.
I’m not doing it for me. I’m not doing it for my partner. I’m not doing it for my family or my friends. I’m working on myself for my future children, so that when they meet their mother she’s everything they always dreamed she’d be.
I’ve always known from a very young age that I wanted to be a mother. I started to play with toy babies - like most young girls do at 5 years old - but I was different to any other 5 year old. Every day like religion I would wake up, get each of my three dolls out of their sleep suits, bath them in the sink and dress them for the day. I would ‘feed’ them - I had a Baby Bjorn which if you fed her she would digest it and ‘poop it out’. Then I would get myself ready for the day, bath, get dressed, have breakfast with my younger brother and then get my doll’s pram ready to take them out for a walk.
My grandparents bought me my pram one Christmas and I promise you you’ve never seen a happier child! I immediately put my dollies in and demanded we went for a walk around the block to show them the Christmas lights one Boxing Day. Back to the story… So after I took them out for a walk down our road I would bring them home and put them down for their afternoon nap. Later waking them to bath them, feed them and put them back into their baby grows for nighttime. I did this daily until I went to high school and at age 11 I stopped playing with my dolls. The summer before I started high school I had my best friend at the time over to play for the day. We spent the day playing with my dolls together. The summer ended and we started year 7 at the local high school and she turned on me. She took great pleasure in telling the whole of my food technology class that I played with dollies, and what a childish thing to do at 11 years old. I tried to tell everyone that she played with them too at my house for a whole day but she denied the whole thing… And so the bullying started.
The reason I told you that story is that despite all of the torment I went through, I have always held onto those happy memories of pretending to be a mother - Now approaching 27, the age my Mum was when she and my Dad had me, I’m more excited than ever!! I hope to be lucky enough to have my first child at around 30 years old but as I’ve grown up and watched others around me struggle to fall pregnant naturally I no longer take this for granted. I know that if it’s meant to be it will be. I’ve always struggled with my purpose in life and I know like the sun will rise tomorrow that once I hold that baby in my arms, it’ll all make sense.
For now, I will continue to learn about myself, work hard, save hard, learn to love myself wholly and await the arrive of my future children. I will build them a safe and loving home and continue to grow and work own myself until the time is right. I can’t explain the feeling but I feel as though I already know them, know what they look like, how their voices sound, what colour their eyes are. I feel like I’ve met them already and that they live in every fibre of my being just waiting for the right time to choose their earthly body and come into our world.
So to all those who feel the pull of being a mother just as strongly as I do, I see you.